Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
