I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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