Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Randomize
