I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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