Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
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That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
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Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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