You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
