Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I touched a dick in church today
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