is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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