He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
two words...techno handjob
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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