Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
