wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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