Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
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if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
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I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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