kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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