there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
