my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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