dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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