after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
