i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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