Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
