i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
