Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
