Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
