Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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