happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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