So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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