the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
God, I missed his penis.
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