i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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