I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
