Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
