someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
