I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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