Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
