I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
