Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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