Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.