I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
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I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk