About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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