I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
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I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
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WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.