it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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