While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
