hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
