Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
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I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
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There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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