Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
