I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
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Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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