we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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