everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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