Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
