I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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