My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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