They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
