How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
