There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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