NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
