he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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