All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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