Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
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Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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