i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
sarcasm needs its own font
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
